Ok this story probably hurt me the most… I definitely gave more of myself that I should have… for the first time ever I actually hated someone after this situation and then I forgave waaaaayyyy to quickly. Once again it is a situation that I am so glad that never worked out for me. I have to be a little careful of my wording on this one and something I will have to leave out in order for those reading it that may know this person won’t be able to identify them. Not out of secrecy because the person knows what they did and how I felt about it, but for privacy and respect of the persons own life. This is the first time that my purity was tested and to be honest I almost failed. As I mentioned before I am very lucky that the person was who he was and did not pressure the situation or take advantage of it, because then it wouldn’t have been my choice so I know once again it was only a situation where God had his grace on the line even though I was the one in the wrong.
Story 8: Attempt8 you have heard me talk about before when I did my story on purity. I had to make that one brief though. I met Attempt8 or saw him for the first time in one of my classes. He was quiet and always sat behind me but at the end of the row to my right. I never really talked to him but I always wondered how I could. I didn’t realize it but I found out that we lived in the same dorm as each other. Anyway I don’t know why but I just really started to like him and I didn’t even know him. I literally had a crush on this dude. ( ok so just to add some back story before I continue. There was a song that I had began to like that was called ” In the dark” I used to listen to it all the time because I honestly liked the beat of the song and the artist. Even though I knew what the song was about,sex, it was pretty hip. You should know that the TYPE of music you listen to really does affect your life… it is just like your words it speaks things into you and over you that you probably wouldn’t think that would affect your life.) My crush was so big I talked to one of my cousins about how I wish that I wasn’t so shy so I could just talk to him.
I remember there was a day, it was halloween, and campus housing had an event going for homecoming week that was dorm decorating contest. I really wanted to help out mainly because I had been on campus for almost 3 months and still had no friends really…and because I realized that Attempt8 had been downstairs helping out. I was totally freaking out about the situation and my cousin had to give me a pep talk just to get downstairs lol. After a while I finally got the courage to go downstairs. It turned out to be a pretty fun night. We ended up finishing our decorating at like 2 or 3 in the morning and then went for a pancake breakfast that someone had made for all the people who stayed to help decorating. At this breakfast is when I was able to exchange numbers with Attempt8 so that way we could help each other out with the class. Well we continued to text beyond that. We became friends very fast. Probably to fast. One day we decided to have a movie night in my room ( terrible I know.. I was pretty sure that it was just a hang out movie session) So we did hang out that night and we watched a movie and talked. We played angry birds. Then he tried to get me to dance with him but I was to shy so I just stayed on the couch he sat down next to me after I wouldn’t get up and dance with him. We looked at angry birds and then he attempted to kiss me… I almost wanted it to happen because of what was going on in my life before, everyone rejecting me or acting out on me and I am thinking that this could be it but I knew better than that…. I knew I did not need to be there but I chose to stay in the situation. From that point on we spent a lot of time together. It didn’t hit me until later though that we never hung out during the day. It was always at night and if you remember me saying before I used to listen to a song that was titled in the dark. ( bad news right? Right.) We would watch movies and I would actually lay on the couch with him ( Netflix and chill).. I will say it did not turn out the way you think it would have entirely. Luckily the word STOP meant something. He would stay the night with me often ( since my roommate moved out). This went on for a whole semester.Even still knowing that I was wrong I continued to keep my self in this situation. Just like some of you may know when a situation is pleasurable you tend to not leave it. He continued to boost me up and let me know that he thought that I was a sweet person and a good friend….his actions really didn’t show it though because the only time he really thought about being in public with me was at night.
So anyway Christmas came around and we spent time apart I noticed that he never kept in touch with me and if he did talk to me he it was short. I was almost losing my mind because I am thinking this guy really likes me and cares about me and was hopefully wanting to date me but I can tell you that wasn’t the case. One day getting on social media I noticed that it said that Attempt8 was in a relationship. I thought it was a joke…well I was hoping it was a joke. When we got back from break I had kind of figured out that it might not have actually been a joke. We decided to get together to watch a movie and so he kept talking about some girl and then he told me that he was dating someone. When I tell you I was so fire hot mad but I let him tell me what was going on. Basically, he met this girl at a party and decided to date her within two days. I was so hurt because for what ever reason in my silly little head my lust convinced me that this guy actually cared about me but it was not the case I guess. I got up and left and went back to my room because I was that mad and that disgusted with myself and the whole situation. I didn’t talk to him for weeks if I saw him out I would just ignore him, I didn’t talk to him in class. Nothing. I forgave him for what happened, for the fact that he made it seem like I was the one that he was interested in… because when I say that he boosted me up I mean he would talk about how I would make good wife material and that he didn’t understand why no one was with me etc. That someone should want to be with me because I was a great person..what ever what ever. So for whatever reason I continued to be friends with this guy ( why I do not know) but I wasn’t so willing to give in to him not to mention he had a girlfriend I kinda didn’t care to spend much time with him. I remember there was a time that she came to visit and he told me that he would introduce me to her ( don’t know why I even cared) either way he never did… I was mad that he didn’t. I was in a one sided relationship y’all…. even though we never had sex I was spiritually tied to this guy either way it goes especially through my emotions. I was bitter and salty most of the time about it.
Well overtime I just left the situation alone…. after graduating I saw on Facebook that they were engaged I was so heart broken…. but I got over it…. at this point I decided to just not care about being in a relationship. I didn’t want to be around anyone, other than my friends. This was like the ultimate most hurt that I had ever been. This one was a test on my purity and lust. It was a lot of stupid decisions… Thankfully God has really healed my heart since this situation. I have been able to open my heart and move on beyond this situation. Honestly this is the one situation I never really wanted to share with anyone.. Not even in my story but I have to because it is my story. I thought that people would think differently because of the situation. Also I thought that it would disqualify me from being able to speak on purity. I thought it would disqualify me from being the leader of Pure Movement. When God gave me this movement he told me that nothing would be able to disqualify me because He had kept me and this was my ministry. Now, I feel like I can cling to this more because now this one story that I felt was holding me back is out in the open. I actually feel like I can move on for real this time.