So I have been trying to figure out how exactly I should even start this. It was hard dealing with the idea that my story really doesn’t have many twist and turns like many have. My story is really a testament of how Gods grace can carry us through life and how he protects us from getting off a track that he has set up. I always used to think that my story was not worth telling, I also felt like i wouldn’t be able to relate to others because many did not live my life, but at the same time God revealed to me that it’s my story that qualifies me to talk about this very thing. I’ve messed up some which you will be able to see but how a great is our God to forgive us, redeem us, and still bless us! My life story is summed up by Galatians 6:9 “and let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not” I realized also that in this post that I had a hard time writing it because I knew I could not write about purity and then not make sure my own plate was clean, a lot of things I go through I tend to just handle it in silence and deal with it on my own but there is no credibility or accountability that way! Everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all ( Luke 8:17, wether we volunteer it or not.
So growing up I was never really exposed to things that really could have tainted me. My mother did a great job making sure my focus was on school and on God. I never really spent much time watching tv and if I did it was probably kid shows. When she got remarried my new father had some pretty defined rules about the things that we were allowed to do and be exposed too. Like going over to friends house, where in most cases that’s where you go to do the things that you know you shouldn’t be doing at all. I spent most of my time with my family. So I didn’t have time to go into the world and experiment with anything outside of my family. My parents made sure to shelter us in the sense that we were also not exposed to things such as kissing or sex scenes in movies, we actually would have to turn our heads in theaters or at home ( that’s something that I still do today, I still feel awkward when scenes like that come on tv, and I may just turn my head or look at my phone, I’ve even started conversations during times like that, mind you I am 23 still doing this, still being convicted by it) when I was younger I thought it was SO dumb but now I can say that it was the best thing that my parents could have done.
I think it wasn’t really until high school and college that I really started getting tested as far as purity was concerned, of course everyone’s hormones were racing then, and many chose to let their hormones get the best of them. I started having spirits of lust, doubt, low self-esteem and the real beginning of fear and timidness, But it was during this time I had to be conscious about the situations I was in. There were many situations that I could have easily put my morals aside and pleased my flesh. I can say that God definitely had his hand in my life around this time. High school for me was a struggle because everyone was in these cute little relationships they did everything in school together they talked about each other all day etc. this is where my self-esteem really dropped because any time I tried reliving to anyone God would literally shut it down in like 2 days. I only saw it as me not being good enough for anyone or because they only wanted me for other reasons, but I never thought that it was God protecting me for the ministry that he was going to give to me. It would infuriate me that my friends would “sexy time” convos and leave me out because I was to “innocent or naive” to hear about it. Not once did I think that God convicted my friends in a way that they wouldn’t talk about those things which ultimately lead to my protection for this ministry as well. I never once considered it, I just let myself believe that I would always be singled out for being “innocent” and alone because I wasn’t giving myself up.
College was a similar story, but college was the closest I ever came to actually giving myself up. Many actually don’t know but the temptation was SO there and so easy to be accepted. One day I will talk about the power of music and how it really had a huge part of this particular situation. But there was a guy that lived in my dorm at the time and we would spend nights together. If you are down with the current lingo then you would understand “Netflix and chill” but we watched movies, and though there was NOT sex it could have easily gone that way. Thankfully the guy (and I know it was ONLY by the grace of a great and loving father in heaven who could see what I couldn’t) listened to me and never violated me, then God lowkey…..well high key broke my heart, because based from our situationship and the ways of the world I somehow convinced myself that buddy actually cared about me but, I’ll never forget we left school for a break and when we came back he had a girlfriend….and no it wasn’t me. At that point I was done trying to be “normal” and just settled on the idea that God did NOT want me with anyone at the time. Did that make my life easier? Not one bit. I still longed to be in a relationship, and still do to this day but nothing stinks more than seeing everyone around you, getting in relationships, getting engaged, getting married,having kids etc……and you can’t even talk to someone before it gets shut down two days later. I’m better now about it then I was before.
Then after college I really went into a rebellious mode, a silent struggle if you will. If you remember me saying that I usually turn my head or what not during kissing/sex scenes well I decided one day that I wasn’t going to skip through it or turn my head. BIG MISTAKE…. It only lead to curiosity. I found myself 1. Disgusted 2. Curious. I began breaking down the foundations that God had helped my parents establish within me. I knew it was wrong but I allowed my curiosity to get the best of me, and for a time allowed my mind to be polluted I was researching and watching things I DEFINITELY had no business watching. I realized that my attitude started changing and I just tried to keep things to myself (like I always do). This honestly my first time EVER talking about this but honestly you can’t truly be free from something with no accountability. As hard as it is to even write this….it’s freeing as well. Judgement may come but I know that it doesn’t hold weight because God has forgiven me. Even in my unworthiness and rebellion he still saw fit to place PURE Movement in my hands.
At this point now it is all about letting others know that they are not alone, and to be free to speak up about it and get the freedom you are looking for! Many will be surprised by what I have shared but you know what there is NO condemnation in Christ ( Romans 8:1). I tainted myself because I was impatient and cared to much about how things in the ” real world” were going, because I wanted to feel like I belonged. Though I AM still a virgin by definition.It cost me in many ways my innocence that I can’t get back but with time can be restored. You can’t un-see what you have seen. But you can definitely change what you see and do from that point. Purity can be restored though accountability and repentance(meaning you turn from sinful ways and moving back in the right direction.)
It’s the movement that counts!
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I also wanted to include this song because it played while writing this and I actually needed to hear it… Maybe you do too!